(FANFARE PLAYS)
(MUSIC: "FLIGHT OF THE VALKYRIES" BY WAGNER)
NARRATOR: At last, the motion picture epic they said could never be made
winner of300 Oscars
and two fingers of the Golden Palm at Cannes.
Thundering out of the pages of history
carving their way through the primeval mists of yesteryear
into your hearts they came...
Enigmatic Graham Chapman as Hanarg
and enchanting child-star Marty Feldman as Lurg
two primitive men poised on the brink of man's greatest discovery.
(MUSIC STOPS)
Here, I've just thought of something better.
(MUSIC RESUMES)
NARRATOR: Tempestuous Tim Brooke-Taylor as Private Truskitt
and porcelain-featured John Cleese as the feckless Captain Ormsby-Gripp
worshipped by all his men.
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT): I think I've copped it this time, sir.
- I think I'm finally done for. - Try not to talk, Truskitt.
Why not, sir?
You sound so common!
("RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES" RESUMES)
NARRATOR: Together yet again as never before
Rediffusion, the studios that gave you "Dram at the Six Horns"
and "The Adventures of Twizzle"
now bring you a story even more epic in its savage grandeur
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR: At Last The 1948 Show
And introducing your hostesses for tonight..
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
I'm Aimi MacDonald.
And I'm Mary Maude.
I'm Christine Rodgers.
I'm Frances Dean.
I'm Penny Brahms.
- And there are too many of us. - Yes!
(MUSIC: "BARWICK GREEN", THEME TUNE FROM "THE ARCHERS" BY ARTHUR WOOD)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Uh, come in.
Splendid...
Splendid, there you are.
Jolly good. Come right in.
Jolly good. Now you're probably all wondering who I am.
- ALL: No, no, no. - No?
Uh, well, I'm Mr Brightwell and I've bought this farm with lots of money.
You do know money, do you?
- ALL: Arrr! - You do, yes.
Well, I've, uh, bought this farm and it seems that you three come with it.
- It's all down here somewhere. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Three hundred chickens, pigs
four out-houses, Reuben, Dan and Willem, that must be you.
Arrr.
Well, from now onwards, I'm going to be in charge here
so if you have any little problems, do bring them along to me.
(HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Arr. (HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
I'm awfully sorry, I didn't quite catch all that.
Reuben and Willem were as saying as how one of the piglets
down the four acre done hurt her trotter, sir.
Oh, poor little thing. Will she have to be destroyed?
I mean, she won't be much good for racing now, will she?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - (HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
(HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
ALL: Arrr!
- BRIGHTWELL: What was that? - Saying as how you don't race pigs, sir.
Oh, don't you? How awfully silly of me.
I'm afraid I'm a bit ignorant in these matters.
(HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Uh, Reuben says as how he quite understands, sir, and you can rely on us.
Oh, splendid, will you tell him I'm very grateful?
Uh, master sayin' he's trudle grennal.
Him grennal? (HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
What did he do that for?
Uh, 'tis a sign of friendship in this part of the country, sir.
Uh, Reuben... (HE SPITS)
(HE RANTS GIBBERISH)
(HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
- He didn't seem to like that, awfully. - He'll be alright, sir.
'Tis just not used to strangers, sir.
Uh, now would you like to give us our orders, sir?
Orders? Um, yes... orders.
Well, I've written one or two little things down here I want you to do.
I want you to, uh, mow the corn
and sheer the piglets.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - How was that, sir?
Well, that sort of thing anyway.
No? Well, what should we be doing on the farm this month?
It is March and that's got an "R" in it. I don't know if that's any sort of guide?
- FARMERS: No, no. - No, no...
Well, shouldn't you be spreading... spreading that stuff?
Um, um...
- Muck! - Oh, no, sir. Oh, no.
We spread the potassium triphospho-oxynitro-acetate, sir.
Arr!
(HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
(HE LAUGHS)
- Good God, what was that? - 'Tis an old country saying, sir.
When the soil's manganese beryllium ratio ain't too great
spread the potassium triphospho-oxynitro-acetate.
(HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
Ah, you're very good at that...
Now, about the livestock, sir, we've got to milk the turnips
and stack the chickens and park the sheep, sir.
Oh, splendid. Well, you know where to find me if you need me.
Ah, get wordled, you greebald tarbot!
- Tarbot? - 'Tis a term of affection, sir.
That is nice. I've only been here one day
and you're already calling me an old tarbot.
- I'm very, very flattered. - Yes, sir, well, we best be going now, sir.
If you want us, sir, we'll be down mucking out the pigsty.
But if you come down there, you'd best wear your Wellington boots.
- Wellington boots. - Arr, 'tis up to your ankles in tarbot.
("THE ARCHERS" THEME TUNE PLAYS)
And now... opera.
It is the night before the election of the Doge of Venice.
Stephano, clockmaker to Rufus the Great
suspects his half-sister, Amelia, of taking part in a vendetta.
Between Amerigo da Costa, young Spanish corsair
and Angus McTavish, at that time a Scotsman.
Geronimo, unbeknownst to her snatches the magic amulet.
Bianca enters.
- They all take poison and die. - (GIRLS GASP)
The end!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And now...
- Good morning. - Eh?
- Good morning. - Oh, good morning.
Good morning.
I suppose you read quite a lot then?
- I what? - I suppose you read quite a lot then?
- Oh, yes. Quite a lot. - Ah.
How about "The Wonderful World of the Ant"?
- The what? - "The Wonderful World of the Ant".
- Have you read it? - Uh, no.
Oh!
Why, is it good?
(HE HOOTS)
Good?
(HE LAUGHS)
- Well, what's so good about it? - Did you know? Did you know?
Did you know?
- What? - Did you know
that the average ant, Johnny Ant
has a brain 12 times the size of its own head?
No. Brain, no! Human brain.
Twelve times bigger than the human brain.
Relatively speaking.
Furthermore, he can carry a burden 3,000 times his own weight.
Fantastic!
- 3,000 times his own weight? - Yes, 3,000 times his own weight.
Fantastic!
- Well, that is fantastic. - Fantastic.
Oh, wait a moment, three times his own weight.
He can carry a burden three times his own weight.
- Fantastic. - Three times his own weight?
- Yeah. - That's not fantastic.
No, it isn't, is it?
Still, this means that four ants can carry a burden
twelve times their own weight, say...
a vole, a small vole, several yards.
Relatively speaking.
Further than you and I, for example, could carry a cow.
Fifty thousand of them, say, could carry a cow
further than you and I could carry Paddington station.
- How about that? - Go away.
Another thing...
(HE SCREAMS) You know what that is?
- No and I don't care. - I'll tell you what it is then.
- No. - Have a guess then.
- No. - Alright, I'll do it again.
- No. - (HE SCREAMS)
Now have a guess.
- I don't know. - That is the mating call of a worker ant.
Actually, it goes...
(HE SCREAMS QUIETLY) But magnified a thousand times.
(HE SCREAMS)
Whereas the queen ant, which is 100 times larger goes...
No, no, no!
No, people are looking. No!
(HE YELLS)
How about that?
- Please leave me alone. - What's this then?
- I don't know. - What's this then?
- I don't know! - Go on, do it, do it!
- No, I feel silly. - Go on, do it!
Look, it's easy, it's easy.
Please don't make me.
Alright, guess what it is then.
- An ant. - Good, good, it's an ant.
- What's he doing? - I don't know what he's doing!
He's signalling! He's signalling!
Easy, he's signalling, he's saying...
"Give us an hand with this small vole."
- He's what? - He's saying
"Give us an hand with this small vole."
- Wait a minute. - Yeah?
How do you know he's saying that?
- What? - How do you know he's saying
"Give us a hand with this small vole"?
I mean, it's so specific!
"Yeah, come on, mateys, give us a hand with this small vole!"
How do you know he's saying "Give us a hand with this small vole"?
Well, I don't know.
It might be anything.
- You what? - It might be anything.
You what?
Well, I'm not a bloody ant, am I?
How should I know what a bloody ant says? Who cares what a bloody ant says?
- Well, you brought it up in the first place. - Shut up or I'll hit you.
(HE WAILS)
That is the death cry of a worker ant.
- Now, you do it! - No.
Yes, go on. Do it.
(HE MAKES A PATHETIC NOISE)
Rotten! What a rotten death cry of a worker ant!
Rotten! Rotten!
(HE WAILS) That's how it is.
Whereas a queen ant, which is 1,000 times larger, goes...
(HE SCREECHES)
You do it!
- (BRAKES SCREECH) - (TYRES SQUEAL)
(MAN SCREAMS)
That's it! That's it! That's quite good.
Well done!
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Veni, vidi, vici.
Do you know what I mean, darling?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(IN SILLY HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Hi-yah!
(THEY GRUNT)
(THEY SPEAK NONSENSE)
(HE LAUGHS)
(THEY SPEAK NONSENSE)
Tang-ka!
SQUATTING MAN: Fang-choo!
(THEY SPEAK NONSENSE)
(HE SHOUTS NONSENSE)
(THEY SPEAK NONSENSE)
(HE SPEAKS HIGH-PITCHED NONSENSE)
Hi-yah!
- (HE SPEAKS NONSENSE) - (HE SHOUTS)
(HE SPEAKS NONSENSE)
(HE GROANS)
(HE SPEAKS HIGH-PITCHED NONSENSE)
Ping-pong!
(THEY GRUNT)
(THEY SPEAK NONSENSE)
(HE SPEAKS HIGH-PITCHED NONSENSE)
(HE SQUEAKS)
Chang-chang! (HE GIGGLES)
(HE SQUEAKS)
Hapa.
(HE BLURTS OUT STRANGE NOISES)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(HE SHOUTS)
I may not know much about sport, but I know what I like.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(GRAMOPHONE PLAYS JAZZ)
(SHE SIGHS)
It's a magnificent country.
How I love the vast, impenetrable jungle.
I never thought that a country could excite me quite so much.
Ah, Africa!
Malaya, darling.
Malaya, Africa, they're all British.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Mary, darling. - Yes, John, darling?
Mary, there's something I must tell you.
- Yes, my darling. - Mary, please try to understand.
- Oh, but I do. - No.
You think that you do, but you don't.
- You see... - John.
Do you mean...
it's all over?
- Between us, I mean. - I...
- Oh, God!
Mary, please. Mary, don't move. Keep absolutely still! Don't make a sound!
- What is it, John? - There's a black mamba crawling up your leg.
- (SHE SCREAMS) - Be quiet!
Now, don't move.
Give me a stick.
- Now, don't move. - (SHE WHIMPERS)
(HE THRASHES AND GRUNTS)
Mary, please try to understand.
To think that I trusted you all along.
Oh, Mary. Don't reproach yourself now.
- But Paul said... - Paul!
Yes?
Paul!
I never want to hear his name again!
Paul who?
Paul Denning.
Oh, Paul.
Didn't he marry the Musgroves' girl?
No, that was Archie Thompson.
Keep Archie out of this.
You know Archie's dead?
- Dead? - Yes.
He died in Bombay last week.
But they haven't buried him yet.
Why not?
- The ground's too hard. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
So it's all over between us?
Between you and I, I mean?
- Between you and me, you mean. - Yes.
- Oh, John.
It was all so lovely in Kuala Lumpur in the spring.
Do you remember how we used to take the little native boys
- to feed the crocodiles? - (HE LAUGHS)
I always felt guilty about that.
- So this is the end of us? - Yes.
Oh, John.
Once, we had something that was good and pure and wonderful.
What's happened to it?
You spent it all.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You're riding roughshod over the ashes of my love.
You can't be serious.
Thank you.
You might as well know...
I'm having an affair with Chung Mi Fu Yung Toy.
Keep Chung Mi Fu Yung Toy out of this!
Which one is he?
I don't know, they all look the same to me!
- Do you love them? - Love them?
(SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
- Oh, God. - Oh, God.
I can't stand it anymore.
How I despise you... you, you, you...
colonial!
Mary, you can't mean that.
I'm going to become a missionary.
- Puff adder! - How dare you!
- There! - (SHE SCREAMS)
(HE THRASHES AND GRUNTS)
I love you, damn you, I love you.
No, John.
Don't say that.
Don't you see? It would never work, you know.
We can't just start all over again, it would always catch up with us.
(SHE SOBS) Oh, God!
- Don't move! - Don't move!
But John...
It can't just end like this...
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(THEY ALL SPEAK A DIFFERENT LIMERICK AT ONCE)
Anyway, the goat recovered, but the bishop... oh.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(STRING MUSIC PLAYS)
Good evening and welcome to another edition of Top Of The Form.
And this evening, we're at the semi-final stage.
And tonight's contest is between the boys
of the King Arthur's Grammar School, Podbury
and the girls of the St Maria Kangaroo Boot Il County High School and a Half.
(CANNED CHEERS)
And so without further ado, let's go straight on with round two.
David...
David, what is the name we give to the meat we get from pigs?
Uh, pork.
Good, good. Well, that's two marks to you.
Uh, Marcia...
- What is the... - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Marcia, what is the name of the metal alloy we get from zinc and copper?
- Brass? - QUIZ MASTER: No. No, I'm afraid not.
Uh, the answer's pork.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
QUIZ MASTER: Uh, Malcolm. What is the capital of Australia?
Sydney.
No, no, well, I can see you're not going to get this one.
The capital of Australia is pork.
Thanod, who wrote The Tale of Two Cities?
Uh...
- Pork? - Good, that's two marks to you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
And so, onto Stig's question.
Stig, what was the date of Captain Cook's discovery of Australia?
- Pork? - Good, two marks.
And the last question of this round to you, Lust.
- Can you... - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Lust, can you quote the first two lines of Thomas Gray's Elegy Written In A Country...
- Pork! - QUIZ MASTER: Good, two to you.
And the score at the end of round two, please, Joan Shark.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Well, the score at the end of round one...
the boys of the King Arthur's Grammar School, Podbury, three.
The girls of the Mildenhall Grainboiling institute, Salmontooth, four..
Thank you, Joan. And so on to round one.
Tell the difference. David.
David, what is the difference between a monsoon and a mongoose?
Uh, well... Uh, a monsoon is a long plastic pole
you hang out of windows at an angle
to keep the birds away.
And a mongoose is a box you lock books up in for Easter.
Hmm...
No, I can only give you a half for that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
But I can offer it to you, Marcia.
Pork?
QUIZ MASTER: No, no, you're guessing, aren't you?
Well, a monsoon is a wind
and a mongoose isn't.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Well, that's quite enough of that round.
And the score please, Joan Shark?
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Oh, well, at the end of round hmm...
the score is, the Boys of the Long John Silver Accountancy School, seven.
And the girls of Dr Barnforth's Frogtrampling Institution, 92.
(CANNED CHEERS)
QUIZ MASTER: Thank you, Joan, and round three.
And the score please, Joan Shark?
- 28? - (CANNED CHEERS)
QUIZ MASTER: Good, and now onto round four and butterflies.
And the first question on butterflies to you, Malcolm.
Malcolm, what is the capital of Iraq?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Red admiral. - QUIZ MASTER: No.
Um, uh... cabbage white.
QUIZ MASTER: No.
Oh, swallowtail!
QUIZ MASTER: No, no.
The answer is Baghdad.
I'm afraid you were on the wrong track, there.
Next question to you, Thanod.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You have the next question, Thanod.
Um, uh...
Could I have that question again, please?
QUIZ MASTER: Certainly. Now, this is a trick question, Thanod, so think carefully.
What is the capital of Australia?
Uh...
Canberra.
No. No, the answer is of course Ottawa, the capital of Canada.
That was the trick part of the question.
Caught you napping there, Thanod.
But I can offer it once again to you, Joan Shark.
Ottawa?
QUIZ MASTER: Good, that's two points to you, Joan.
Now, Stig. What is the capital of North Korea?
Pyongyang.
Yes, but I'm not giving you any marks for that
because nobody likes a clever dick.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And the last question to you, Lust.
Lust, who put marzipan in Joan Shark's knickers?
- I did! - QUIZ MASTER: Oh, well done!
Well done. Well, that's two, no, full marks to you.
And, uh... and the final score please, Joan Shark.
Well, the final score. The boys of Eton College, one.
And the girls of the Wilfred Mousebasty School of Guerrilla Warfare, nine.
I've got 22, so scores...
three cheers for me! Hip-hip...
(CANNED CHEERS)
- Hip-hip... - ALL: Hooray!
- JOAN: Hip-hip... - ALL: Hooray.
And so...
So, Joan Shark is the winner. Well, well done, Joan.
Next week, she'll be meeting Franklin A Goodman in the final. Goodnight.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Last week, the director liked my dance so much
that this week he's asked me to sing.
But I've forgotten to bring my music.
So instead, I'll do my dance again.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)